Passing glance. I make assumptions about you quickly based on your hairstyle and your physique and your shoes. In an instant, I assess your happiness, success, family life, what you’ve planned for dinner. Because, no doubt, you’ve planned. There will be something hot with vegetables and maybe a salad. Your children will be smiling and they’ll clean the kitchen when they’re done. Your closet is tidy and you’ll meet friends in the morning for coffee. Your SUV sparkles and the interior is vacuumed and fresh-smelling. I see you on Facebook but I don’t say hi. My life is too messy.
100 Words — Waves
An overactive imagination is not helpful. I imagine coming out of this with a new focus on altruism, clean air, meaningful connections and a sense of gratitude for all that is good. But I also imagine the worst — communities at the brink of chaos, an uncertain future for our children, a lack of stability in food or finances. I’m Pollyanna — rainbows and sunshine, optimism at the new global consciousness and a commitment to our planet and fellow creatures. Other days I’m Wednesday Addams — darkness and dread and filled with a sense of despair that nothing good will come of this.
A Figure 8 Mood Shift
I feel called to be other than I am, but remain in place. Sheltering in place has been a lifelong experiment for me already, only I retreat into my own self. Collapsing onto a bed behind a closed door or sitting in silence shoulders hunched trying to retreat, trying hard not to connect or be needed for anything.
Like a lot of people lately, I’ve been feeling not quite myself. Anxiety and depression has ebbed and flowed through my years and I ride the waves when they come. Sometimes I take medication to see me through, sometimes I pray or practice yoga or mindfulness and meditation. Sometimes I resort to gluttony and eat my way through the worry, trying to stuff down feelings of panic and dread.
Still, I anticipate those moments where I’m on an island. Those times when I am in a roomful of people but feel very far away. When my conversations feel as though I’m talking with people on an old-school long distance line even when they are standing right next to me. I am present and absent all at once. I am tired. I work to appear normal but know I am not hiding anything. I isolate and overthink and wallow whenever that is an option.
Unwilling to wait, though, households demand attention, children need to be fed, dogs need to be walked and professions need to be managed. So, this morning, before coffee, before attempts at meditation or morning email checks, I step out with my dog on a leash.
For the first 200 yards, I notice a low grade annoyance. I wonder who else is awake in the neighborhood and whether or not they have fertilized their grass. I consider briefly whether it is rude to allow your dog to pee on the edges of their lawns or whether that is accepted as a social norm. My dog sniffs away at the edges of the street.
By the stop sign at the end of our road, we have already greeted a local cat, passed a little library stocked with books and have seen a typically boisterous terrier quietly observing us from his front window.
Rhythm and breath now. Slow cadence of steps. Cool air entering and leaving me in a whispered whoosh. Stride. We swing right at the corner to take the long loop around the neighborhood. The morning is cool and clean and my head is beginning to clear. My thoughts turn to feet and the fact that mine are feeling fine. My dog happily trots alongside me occasionally glancing up to make eye contact, pausing to step out of the road and sit when a car passes. I think how lucky we are to have a border collie and and how easy it’s been to train her. She’s like another person in our home and not a pet.
We take another right turn and walk the circle in the back part of our community. We spot another dog-owner duo, an enormous Bernese Mountain dog pulls on the leash anchored by his tall owner. The dog is more like kangaroo than canine as he leaps and twists in desperate attempts to come greet us. His owner passes by laughing and shaking his head.
The trees on the back loop are gnarled and leaning. Bark is missing from some of their torsos and I wonder if deer have chewed these coverings off or if it was some other violence. The homes here were built on the edges of wetlands and while the houses seem suburban, the vegetation seems to know the difference. This area is tamed but wild. One house is now missing — claimed by the unstable terrain. It was briefly flagged as damaged and dangerous, the occupants removed and then it was razed leaving only an empty lot with a For Sale sign on it. Grassy quicksand. I remember the childhood thrill at the terrifying concept of quicksand. I used to have nightmares of being caught up in a pit of it unable to escape and clawing at the illusion of surface. I think of this house as being sucked down into the world to disappear rather than being surgically disassembled and carted away in trucks as it was.
Life on the outside is always more practical than its inner turbulence would reveal.
100 Words – Things We Take For Granted
Things we take for granted:
one more year of good health and happiness;
a family to love;
a home to cultivate;
a profession to pursue;
errands to run;
dogs to walk;
closets to clean;
dinners to cook;
hugs to give;
children to raise;
books to read;
questions to ask;
thoughts to ponder;
goals to reach;
mentors to follow;
students to teach;
businesses to build;
friendships to acknowledge;
places to visit;
memories to make;
wonder to feel;
lessons to learn;
talents to explore;
prayers to pray;
help to offer;
connections to feel;
praise to give;
wishes to make;
dreams to live.
100 Words – Breathlessness
They say watch out for shortness of breath. But all our breaths are collectively held waiting for the latest infection count to be reported. If disease does not bring breathlessness, then anxiety will. Gripping at one’s chest and holding on as we try to avoid looking at the traffic accident on the news that is now being labelled ‘crisis management.’ Anger does not serve right now, nor does fear, indignance, a sense of injustice or disbelief. We will be able to look back on all of this at some point and assess it rationally. But that time is not now.
Home: Ground Turkey – 2 Ways
Ground Turkey was on BOGO sale at our local grocery store this week. I bought two and decided I’d figure out what’s for dinner later.
Menu:
Greek Turkey Pitas — I’m adapting this from a recipe I found on BudgetBytes.com. I’m going to make the recipe as is, but put the burgers in a pita instead of on a bun. We’re going to have these on Friday night with some french fries and watch a movie on TV with the kids.
Turkey Lasagna Rollups –I grabbed a recipe from good ole Betty Crocker. I will adapt with stuff I have on hand. The recipe says these are easy to make ahead and freeze. Not sure if I’ll do that yet or just bake them over the weekend. Going to serve with a salad.
GROCERIES:
January 2017
Planning out January
Family: Books to read to my daughter….
My lovely 12 year old daughter still loves for me to read to her and I love it, too! So, for 2017, I wanted to begin to capture a list of books that I’d like to read to with her this next year.
- The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis (6 books)
- Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
- Nancy Drew – The Secret of the Old Clock, Carolyn Keene
- The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
Intention Fun ~ Podcast: “Making Oprah”
On the radio this morning, I heard about a podcast called “Making Oprah.” It’s a 3 part podcast created by WBEZ, Chicago Public Radio. Went to iTunes and I’m loving it. Super interesting and entertaining.
Intention Organization: Passwords make me mental!!!
Most days I feel as though I am becoming senile. This feeling washes over me with regularity every time I try to log in to a seldom-visited website that requires a password!!! I have tried to standardize the ones I use based on website types, I have tried some mnemonic tricks, I’ve tried using ones that you are not supposed to — like your children’s names or super easy-to-guess passwords — all with NO SUCCESS!!!!
So….
INTENTIONS FOR TODAY:
- Make a list of often or occasionally visited web sites that require a password.
- Set up a password strategy to use.
- Change or update 10 passwords.
Intentional Mimi 